Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I pour the whiskey from now on
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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