Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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