So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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