After last night, I could never be a politician.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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