i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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