I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
