we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
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