Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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