she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
