You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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