Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
