I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
me + whiskey = a bad person
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
