Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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