why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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