we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
