my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
