I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
we made out on top of his cat.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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