I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
whose parrot is this?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Randomize
