so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize