i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
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