Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
