does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Can I color on your dick again?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
