I think I won the penis lottery.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
