The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
