My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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