what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Randomize
