i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
