i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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