I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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