Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Randomize
