yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Randomize
