You're my little dorito
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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