After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
