my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
