So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I love having hate sex.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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