I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
