I will die if light touches me.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
