god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
