I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
