Your tits are I can't wait for
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
