I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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