i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
