WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
so explain again why im purple
no
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
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