i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
