Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
