I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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