If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
the day after is always just damage control
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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