my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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