The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
