I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
