you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
