If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Is her dick bigger than yours?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
