you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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