i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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