if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
