She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
