anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
