everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
